by Kimberly A. Cook (Twitter@ WarriorTales)
Ever have one of those moments when you find yourself in a situation and can’t figure out how the holy jumping beans you thought it was a good idea? Happened to me Thanksgiving night. Going to blame my delirium on turkey overdose, sugar rush and maximum salt intake.
Found myself at 8 p.m. in the Kohl’s store by my Mom’s house with 10,000 other shoppers. That is a conservative estimate. Somehow my brain decided I really wanted the set of eight remote controlled LED candles on sale for $19.99. Saw them looking at the turkey day ads that morning.
Parking was okay. Swam to the doors since we had a huge rainfall and it continued into the night. Started down the middle aisle to find the candles and noticed lots of hard core shoppers, but it didn’t really sink in. I blame the turkey tryptophan for my delayed reaction.
Since this Kohl’s store is arranged differently than my regular Kohl’s store my right turn led me away from the candle area. By the time I figured out I was looking at vacuum cleaners against the far wall instead of candles, I saw a line.
Hugh, my brain said. A line. Seems odd. I knew where I entered the store was the main checkout. Moving forward I realized it was THE CHECKOUT LINE. Awareness and a creeping sense of dread soon confirmed the nightmare; the checkout line was HALF WAY around the inside of the STORE. HALF THE LENGTH OF THE STORE.
I kept walking because my addled brain and eyes could not quite believe what they were seeing. Then I saw one shopper in line with a BIG BOX in front of her. Like a four-foot high cardboard box. Full to overflowing. No idea what all was inside the box, but I bet they’re still ringing up her purchases today.
That moment my real brain returned from vacation. WTF are we doing here? Screw the candles! Abort! Abort! Escape and evade! Dive! Dive! My military training kicks in at the oddest moments; must have been a turkey coma delay. Why didn’t it stop me in the first place from entering the parking lot?
Nearing the front of the store I observed nine checkout stands going full tilt. Still the humongo line. Bless all their little shopping crazed hearts.
Escaping out the front doors I launched myself into Subie and headed for home. I have not braved holiday deals/Black Friday sales for more than twenty years. It used to be a blast to dive under the raising gate into the Hallmark store the day after Christmas and get the ornaments on sale. But that ship has sailed for me.
At some point you realize you don’t need more ornaments or holiday decorations or any additional seasonal booty in the house. When you have more ornaments than trees could fit in your abode, tis the season to purge.
When I got home Spec Ops Cat was not happy his dinner was late. Where had I been?
No LED candles, cranky cat and temporary insanity. Welcome to the holidays!
Got holiday squirrel brain?